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It felt like a lot and that I was working for the relationship – I was running on the spot.It suited me to think I was unlovable – It was like giving myself license to be resigned to dating assclowns.
When they weren’t leaving, I started acting up, and then I could convince myself they’d leave anyway.When I became ill with the immune system sarcoidosis in 2003, I was so distracted by the ‘guy with a girlfriend’ that even though I should have been focusing on my health, I was more interested on focusing on him as my only option! This is how I ended up in a number of half hearted relationships and yawning my way through many dates.It was only when I ditched him that it occurred to me to start fighting for my survival and opening up my options. I don’t think I’ve admitted this before, but the last chunk of my relationship with the guy with a girlfriend, I think I wanted to win more than I wanted him.Before, I acted like I had no options, not because it was what I intended but because I had limited myself to limited relationships with limited men because I didn’t I was capable of having a normal relationship.To be fair, it’s not like I had great examples in my childhood, but that aside, I didn’t believe a normal, healthy guy who acts with love, care, trust, and respect, would want to be with – I was kinda prepared for it!